shiokazu: alien (pic#6103769)
Sometimes i think i should have noticed this earlier, think of how much people i could have saved by now? I can see my role in the world, slowly being well defined. Every person i met, either was less energetic or was in some state of sadness, and then i come in, without being asked, i teach people how to breath, how to see, how to feel, and how to fly.
I take people away from their chains, i break every little chain making then able to live again, no price asked. I end making new friends, precious ones, but, i notice then, theres a limit for what i can do.

Its ok, but, now, i noticed the rest of this small story.

All the friends i had in the past, each one, one by one, i took care, i raised then, i gave strengths, its alright, i did it because i wanted, i was not expecting any rewards for being a good person, rather, how i like to put it, a God(dess).
But gods are really only needed in times of woe, and, somehow, we bring a certain limitation, making, maybe, people unable to advance far on their own. I saw the success of many friends in what they wished for, and as longer as they stayed away from me, farther they would go.

While i give people strength, perhaps i am taking away something i cant notice.

People dont need gods to prosper, they need gods to get happy and moving on their own, beyond this point, slowly people tend to forget the gods, and, to them, the only option is becoming watchers, lonely tasting the bittersweet mix of happiness and loneliness that is left to them.

i dont know, i just feel that im slowly losing all, i feel good, i want to cry, i want to sleep, i dont feel my strength, i do my best everyday to keep my breath while being myself, and all, dont be mistaken, i am happy, i am just...

am i happy?

now i dont know anymore.

But i feel calm, i feel comfortable... i feel uh...

airy? like, i am made or air. 

shiokazu: sad (pic#6065652)
What the fuck am i talking about? what do i understand about this? am i mature enough to be writing about it? the truth is that i got this weird feeling and it looks like theres something missing, making my mind go blank and light, and my feelings getting number and number and number.

At least i can still feel pain.

I hate thinking, it brings solutions, i wont be hypocritical and say it doesnt, but it only brings me more woe, solutions arent always good. specially when they go against the way you want your spirit to feel. i want to feel it again.
For me, someone who is empty is someone who is always trying to fill a gap, stealthily or not, conscious of it or not, for me thats a empty person. Feeling empty, feeling empty should be plainly and surface scrathing, someone who is trying to fill a gap.

Whats funny is that, this gap actually fills a space, takes your breath out, messes up with you fucking everything inside, tends to take you down.

A empty person can never fill the gap.

A person who is not empty, can sometimes be trying to fill a gap.

Am i Empty then? i feel the gap but i dont try to fill it. i only want to become more and more and more empty, i want to be light as the wind. Apparently, it also takes my skills with people away. No, im not anti-social, i like people. People are fun, and the best fun can only be achieved with people. At least for me, well... Yes i can have fun alone, but... I like it, having people around.

I just wonder why do i feel this empty, i've been forcing myself to hang on the last dream i have, the hopes i have build quickly fell to the ground, i blame truth, yes, i do blame truth, because if nobody had showed me it, i wouldnt have build it.
No im not whinnying, its just that i dont have needs, i dont find anything interesting, feels like i am dead or something. Haha, funny, people say i still shine a lot... 
Maybe i put all my light outside.

man im prolonging this... well, nevermind its meant to be how i am feeling right now, might help me feel better.

im not in the place where i live in, i still live with my parents ATM, parents... my parents where like shadows during my life, they were never around, they payed my stuff, for that i am thankful, even feeling debited with them, but... its not like they were family, just people who took care of me, giving me food, a place to stay and payed my bills and educational costs. Where are my friends? scattered around the world, we normally dont share nice timezones for communication, they were my family for a time, or rather, still are, but they cant do much, distance says so.
the person i love is also far, im with her right now, but, just for some more days... brings me sadness. other thoughts on it also bring me it too, slowly its like things i valued so much are being taken from me.
Well, the friends i had in my hometown changed, changed to persons i cant really recognize and bring myself to like anymore. I use to say, if you want someone to change on something, you dont like that person, but, the idea of the possible person this person can be. 
Part of the emptyness and other melancholic things, the bigger one is all my own fault.

in the end, theres only one thing left, and probably, that will be my beacon. im being serious, only one thing, i dont want a huge house, nor a family, nor millions, HELL what would i do with this money? probably i'd just turn into some monster, i dont know money, i know i need it to live but, what are my wishes? aside the only dream i have.
thats the last piece of life i have left on me, barely enough to make me stand up, eat, to maintain the aspect of a half living thing.

rather, a half dead thing. 

nobody can save me anymore i guess, maybe because i dont want, maybe because i came to enjoy this deep shit hole of stuff i dont even know how to name.

well... nevermind, in the end i turned out ranting rather than talking about being empty of feeling empty.

April 2013

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